7 Best Tips For Loving Yourself While Loving an Addict
I've been there, grappling with the roller-coaster chaos of addiction, feeling the scale tip dangerously toward losing myself while loving an addict.
I desperately clung to an idea of life that seemed as though it were slipping away. I found myself enabling, arguing, pleading, and making excuses—all under the guise of ‘protecting' others.
But the harsh truth? I was clinging to an illusion. The only thing I could truly control was me. When that realization finally sank in and I started living it, my own life started to shift.
Table of Contents
Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself
Clinical Counselor Candace Plattor offers valuable insights in her transformative book, ‘Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself.' In this pdf of her book, she gives the Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction.
Although the advice seems simple, incorporating these tips requires intentional action and will test you emotionally. Still, when the emotional toll of loving an addict starts to weigh heavily, something's got to give.
Join me as we explore how to implement mindfulness within the complexities of loving someone with an addiction. Because let's face it, reclaiming control of your life is not just about dealing with the addiction—it's also about finding your sense of purpose and joy outside of the chaos.
Warning Signs of Addiction
First, let's discuss the warning signs that often accompany different types of addictive behaviors, from drug addiction to internet addiction. These can range from noticeable changes in appearance and hygiene to erratic mood swings, withdrawal from social activities, and unexplained financial issues.
If you're a parent or spouse of someone struggling with addiction, you've probably honed your senses to detect these behavioral shifts. When your loved one is consistently accountable and then suddenly goes silent or offers a weak excuse, it's like an alarm going off in your head because you have experienced the re-occurring nightmare over and over again.
Your body remembers- it keeps the score. Your cortisol levels surge, preparing your body for an emotional upheaval. This spike in cortisol activates your nervous system, plunging you into a fight-or-flight state.
Here's where mindfulness comes into play. When cortisol levels rise, we often disconnect from what is happening around us and our feelings, losing our sense of awareness. This disconnection can make it even more challenging to deal with the already complex addiction issue.
Mindfulness practices can help you remain grounded, even when your cortisol levels are high, enabling you to make more thoughtful decisions and take meaningful steps toward healing and living your best life.
Recognizing these signs is your first crucial step in addressing the addiction problem and embarking on a healing journey.
The Many Faces of Addiction
Before we explore the survival tips, it's crucial to understand the complex landscape of addiction. From drug and alcohol addiction to sex addiction, internet addiction, relationship addiction, compulsive shopping, and problem gambling, each kind of addictive behavior presents its unique challenges.
Yet, they share a common thread: the hijacking of the brain's neurotransmitter systems. This hijacking tricks the brain into thinking this behavior or substance is needed for survival.
According to a study in the International Journal of Preventive Medicine, both behavioral and substance-related addictions affect neurotransmitter systems in the brain.
After exploring the complexities of addiction and its neurological effects, we're better prepared to tackle the emotional challenges of loving an addict. Armed with this understanding, let's shift our focus to the practical tips that can help you care for yourself while supporting your loved one.
7 Tips for Loving Yourself While Loving an Addict
1. Acceptance
You can't control an addict's choices, only your own reactions.
Having an attitude of acceptance for your current situation and without judgment is your first step toward breaking free.
Loving an addict requires recognition of the ways your actions may inadvertently enable your loved one.
Holding them accountable is your way to regain control and stop enabling their destructive behavior.
This will require a conscious effort—no more making excuses, shifting blame, or covering up for your loved one.
If you've been stuck in an enabling cycle for a while, breaking free can be challenging. Mindfully tapping into your inner resource can guide you through those emotionally charged moments.
2. Reclaim Your Joy
Channel your energy into activities that spark joy, using mindfulness tips to stay present and fulfilled. If you've spent years prioritizing others, you might find yourself at a starting point where your own likes and dislikes are unclear.
The Self-Care Cabin has a lot of ideas to help you begin focussing on taking care of yourself.
Use this as an opportunity for self-discovery, mindfully exploring different activities to find what truly resonates with you. Finding your purpose will help you navigate this part of your journey.
Build Your Support Network
While on this journey of self-discovery, don't underestimate the power of a strong support network. Surrounding yourself with understanding and empathetic people can make a world of difference. Consider joining online support groups or local meetings designed for loved ones of addicts. These platforms offer a safe space to share experiences, seek advice, and find emotional support.
Here are some resources where you can find such support groups:
- Herren Project: Offers free online support groups led by clinicians.
- The Recovery Village: Lists various organizations like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends.
- Nar-Anon Family Groups: A 12-step program for families and friends of people addicted to drugs.
By building a strong support network, you're not just helping yourself but also creating a healthier environment for your loved one battling addiction.
Discover the transformative power of focused, positive thinking.
Take control of your recovery with Recovery Affirmation Cards designed to change your mindset, gain focus, and help you reach your recovery goals.
3. Mental Health Recovery
Living in a high-stress environment affects both your body and mind.
It's common to catch yourself holding your breath, depriving your body of essential oxygen that helps you to make good decisions.
Remember, breath is life. Incorporate somatic breathing exercises to release pent-up emotions.
You're on your recovery journey, too. Make sure you are getting what you need.
If you struggle to cope, don't hesitate to schedule an appointment with a mental health therapist.
4. Learn to Say No
The power of saying “no” is transformative, especially when you're entangled in the complexities of loving an addict.
When you've been entangled in a codependent relationship with an addict, setting boundaries can feel like a betrayal.
You might even experience guilt for prioritizing your own wellbeing.
But how do you muster the courage to set those boundaries?
Finding the courage to set boundaries, especially with a loved one in the throes of addiction, is no small feat. It's a process that often starts with self-awareness and mindfulness.
First, tune into your own needs and feelings. Recognize the emotional toll that the lack of boundaries is taking on you.
Next, lean into your inner resource. This is your internal sanctuary, your go-to place for comfort and wisdom. Spend some time there to gather your strength and resolve.
Also, don't underestimate the power of a support system. Whether it's friends, family, or professionals like therapists and counselors, their insights and encouragement can be invaluable.
Sometimes, you need someone else to validate your feelings to give you that extra push.
Lastly, remember that setting a boundary is an act of self-love and self-preservation. You're not just doing it for them; you're doing it for you.
And there's nothing selfish about taking steps to protect your emotional and mental wellbeing.
Ultimately, the most loving thing you can say to someone battling addiction is that your love for them is so strong that you can't stand by and watch them destroy themselves.
Make it clear that if they choose recovery, you're all in to support them. But if they stay on this destructive path, you can't enable them any longer.
5. The Practice of Letting Go
Understanding codependency is the first step in liberating yourself from the need to control how others react.
Incorporating mindfulness techniques can further empower you in this journey. It teaches you the essential skill of letting go, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries.
You learn to express your needs clearly and assertively, understanding that while you can't control how the other person will respond, you can control your own actions and reactions.
You empower yourself by expressing your needs clearly and assertively, even if you can't control the other person's response.
In Codependents Anonymous, they offer some symptoms in the area of control that can help to identify if you are codependent. I encourage you to read over the entire list.
Control Patterns
Codependents often…
- believe people are incapable of
taking care of themselves. - attempt to convince others what to
think, do, or feel. - become resentful when others
decline their help or reject their
advice. - freely offer advice and direction
without being asked. - lavish gifts and favors on those they
want to influence. - use sex to gain approval and
acceptance. - have to feel needed to have
a relationship with others.
6. Emotional Detachment
Emotional detachment is not always about avoidance or suppression, which are common emotional patterns in addiction.
It's about giving yourself and your emotions some space.
This allows you to observe as a neutral party and investigate without emotions dictating your decisions.
Instead of reacting with anxiety, you respond purposefully.
By practicing emotional detachment, you're not just helping yourself but also creating an environment where your loved one has to face the natural consequences of their actions.
This is often the first step toward their own recovery.
When you detach, you don't activate your flight or fight, and you can make better choices.
Ultimately, loving the addict in a recovery-focused manner means encouraging them to take responsibility for themselves.
7. ThePower of Self-Forgiveness
First, let's establish something crucial: forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the wrongs committed, nor does it give a free pass for those behaviors to persist.
Instead, forgiveness acknowledges that there's nothing the individual can do to undo the impact of their actions.
Holding onto past mistakes is harmful, consuming you with regret. Regret can keep you stagnant. Still, with this knowledge, forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do.
Fragrance of Being does a beautiful job of explaining how we can get stuck in the story, unable to move on.
How to Forgive Yourself
- Acknowledge Your Role: The first step in self-forgiveness is acknowledging your actions without judgment. This isn't about blame but understanding your part in the situation. Right or wrong, you did the best you knew how in that moment.
- Feel to Heal: Allow yourself to grieve. Your past mistakes may have been traumatic for both others and yourself. By reflecting on past transgressions, you bring them back to the surface and may experience the stages of grief again. This is expected, even healthy. By allowing yourself to feel and move through these stages, facing them, and learning from them, you can truly move forward (Oregon Trail Recovery).
- Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, the emotional load is too heavy to carry alone. Therapists or counselors trained in addiction recovery can offer invaluable insights and coping skills.
- Mindfulness and Somatic Practices: Incorporate mindfulness techniques to stay present during this emotional process. Somatic practices, like deep breathing, can help you become aware of bodily sensations, offering another layer of self-awareness.
- Set New Boundaries: Forgiving yourself doesn't mean returning to old patterns. Plattor states in her book, “Enabling an addict really meets the loved one’s needs—it is never helpful to the addict.” Establish new boundaries to protect both yourself and your loved ones.
Loving an addict often leads to a roller-coaster of painful emotions and leaves you at your wit's end.
But remember, you can't control the actions of others, only your own. By implementing the mindfulness and survival tips inspired by Candace Plattor's amazing book, you can navigate the complexities of loving an addict while taking steps to regain control of your own life.
The good news is you're in the right place to learn how to make important decisions for your own self-care. You don't have to continue down the ugly path of addiction and the cycle of allowing the ongoing lies and broken promises to wreak havoc over your life.
Make healthier life choices and set healthy boundaries for the sake of your own sanity. You're not just surviving the chaos of addiction; you're thriving despite it.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
What is the main message of this blog post?
The blog post aims to provide actionable tips and mindfulness strategies for people struggling with the emotional complexities of loving an addict. It emphasizes reclaiming control of your own life.
Who is Candace Plattor?
Candace Plattor is a Clinical Counselor and author of “Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself,” a book that offers survival tips for those loving someone with an addiction.
What's the role of mindfulness here?
Mindfulness techniques can help you stay grounded, enabling you to make better decisions, especially when dealing with the emotional toll of loving an addict.
Unlock 15 mindfulness exercises you can easily fit into your daily schedule with this free workbook.
What are some warning signs of addiction?
Warning signs can include changes in appearance, mood swings, social withdrawal, and financial issues. Recognizing these signs is crucial for addressing the addiction problem.
Are all addictions the same?
No, addictions can vary from substance abuse to behavioral issues like internet addiction or compulsive shopping. However, they all affect the brain's neurotransmitter systems.
How does loving an addict affect your emotional well-being?
Loving an addict can lead to high stress levels and emotional turmoil, often causing a spike in cortisol levels that puts you in a fight-or-flight state.
Where can I find support groups for loved ones of addicts?
Building a strong support network is crucial. Here are some resources:
- Herren Project: Offers free online support groups led by clinicians.
- The Recovery Village: Lists various organizations like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends.
- Nar-Anon Family Groups: A 12-step program for families and friends of people addicted to drugs.
By joining these groups, you're not just helping yourself but also creating a healthier environment for your loved one battling addiction.
How can mindfulness help?
Mindfulness practices can help you remain aware and grounded, enabling you to make better decisions and take steps toward healing.
Why is setting boundaries important?
Setting boundaries is crucial for your emotional and mental well-being. It's an act of self-love that protects you from the destructive cycle of addiction.
How can I set effective boundaries?
Start with self-awareness and mindfulness. Understand your own needs and feelings, and then take intentional actions to set boundaries. A support system can also be invaluable in this process.
What is emotional detachment?
Emotional detachment allows you to give yourself and your emotions some space, enabling you to make decisions without being overly influenced by emotions.
What is self-forgiveness, and why is it important?
Self-forgiveness involves acknowledging your actions without judgment and allows you to move past shame and guilt. It's particularly impactful for families touched by addiction and can be a key to long-term recovery.
How can I practice self-forgiveness?
Acknowledge your role, allow yourself to grieve, and seek professional help if needed. Mindfulness and somatic practices can also aid in this emotional process.
What's the takeaway from this blog post?
The takeaway is that loving an addict is challenging. You don't have to lose yourself in the process. By implementing these tips, you can navigate the complexities of loving an addict while taking steps to regain control of your own life.
Continuing the Journey
Join a Supportive Mindfulness Community
Join my private TMN Facebook Group, a community just for women like you, where we talk about:
- Overcoming Mindfulness Challenges: Discover strategies to manage overwhelm and stay grounded, even on your busiest days.
- Mindfulness for Neurodiverse Women and Children: Explore tailored exercises that honor your unique way of experiencing the world.
- Practical Mindfulness for Busy Minds and Lifestyles: Share and learn practical tips that make mindfulness an effortless part of your day.
In the TMN Community, you'll find support, inspiration, and a wealth of resources to help you be more present and foster deeper connections with yourself and those around you. It's a space for growth, learning, and sharing the mindful journey with others who understand the hustle of everyday life.
So, if you're eager to expand your mindfulness practice and find even more ways to stay connected, join me in the group. When you join, you will receive a free Mindfulness Tracker to help you discover which mindfulness activities work best for you.
Together, we'll explore how each moment can be an opportunity to be present and how every mindful practice, no matter how small, enriches our lives.
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